To develop empathetic skills, one can use very simple tools / techniques, which will help to develop sensitivity, the capacity to see through someone else’s eyes, and the ability to learn from these experience and grow in conscience and understanding.
The basic recipe suggest here a three steps process. If you have already read the paragraph on empathy and sympathy, note that the last step - conscious reflexivity - is what makes the difference between sympathy and empathy (and what a difference…)
1- observation
If empathy is sometimes seen as a mysterious 6th sense, it may be because it requires high sensitivity and awareness of the world. This developed perception is possible through the combined use of our senses and personal experience.
Senses and personal experience
I use my senses to analyze a situation, look at every detail, an attitude, a pinch of the lips maybe, a smile, some symbols, some repeated words,…
Case study: I arrive in a group and I see people organized around a woman. She is talking a lot. I see a three people withdrawn from the group. One is looking at the rest of the group, the other two are chatting together.
I relate my observations to my personal knowledge, experience, feelings, and values.I question myself about what I sense, I try to understand.
Case study: I don’t know who the woman is, but she reminds me a lot of a friend of mine who is having difficult times by her gestures, her voice. I think that maybe that woman is as much in need of attention as my friend.
One of the two persons who are chatting apart is a colleague. By the proximity he has with the other person, and the way they smile at each other, I guess they are having an intimate discussion.
Cultivate differences
It may be interesting to associate what we observe to elements of our knowledge and experience (see example above: 1-the woman reminds me of a friend, 2-the attitude of the two persons chatting evokes a feeling of intimacy). In practice we usually have no difficulty to identify and quickly interpret resemblances. We often even “want” to see resemblance where there is not…
Focusing on differences and resemblances is a way to develop ones observation skills and foster fruitful questioning. A difference of attitude, a different language, a position, other values, are often what will give us the best resources for reflection and understanding. Things and people may differ from us or from the way we knew them. Naturally, we may often not like differences. It is not easy to truly give consideration to values, ideas or practices that are different from ours, and we may have a reaction of rejection and opposition.
What should come from the passive observation is fruitful questioning – not understanding.
It is important to be aware of one’s natural judgmental attitudes and of our tendency to value resemblances and reject difference (see point 3 on reflexivity).
Case study: why is this person withdrawn from the rest of the group? Why does the woman now cross her arms? Is she experiencing problems like the friend she reminds me of?
Active observation
Under active observation, we essentially refer here to what is largely understood as active listening. It is a proactive attention given to a subject. I am not only carefully listening, but I show understanding, I ask questions, I try to speak the same language as the person I am talking to, for example by using the same expressions or attitude.
This section will not be developed in details. For a good introduction to active listening, I invite you to watch the following youtube video:
Active listening is in itself a great empathetic tool since by imitating, by looking for understanding and by giving my full attention to someone, I am creating ideal conditions for the identification process.
Identification is probably the most complex and mysterious step of the empathetic process. It requires a synthetic use of human resources: sensitiveness, emotions, thoughts, experience and imagination. Through identification we can considerably extent the range of our experiences, on which true understanding is based.
2-1 Emotional and intellectual awareness.
To identify oneself to an "other" one has to use all resources at our disposal. Our "personal library" is made of experiences, impressions, emotions, sensitivity and knowledge.
As indicated in the previous point on active listening, one should be giving attention to the person or situation at the core of our empathetic experience. Identification is about experiencing some impressions one had during observation, trying to avoid valuing or devaluing what I observed.
Case study: I come closer to the group of people and I quickly hear the woman who is at the center of attention explaining that the company she had created a few year ago is about to close. She feels sorry for the staff who will lose their job. I have never been in such a situation, but I remember my feelings when I had to give up some important projects, I know the sense of responsibility that one may have for one’s staff.
Emotions are direct interactions between one’s perception of the world and self-perception.
Let’s take a concrete examples:
“I am afraid of this dog”. It means that I perceive this dog as dangerous to me. There is a tension in the situation, which could be qualified as “opposition”.
“I feel happy with you”. It means that I perceive your presence as a value-added in my life; you provide me what I need. There is a tension in this situation, which could be qualified as “attraction”.
Because emotions create tensions, they are also what leads our actions. They “move” us in a certain direction. To understand the dynamics of people and oneself, one must be aware that emotions shape how we perceive ourselves, others and the world.
2-2 Imagination
Actors and comedians are usually highly empathetic, as their profession requires to play different types of characters. To prepare for an important role, an actor will first try to gather as much information as possible (which covers observation and emotional/intellectual awareness). He or she may also do some experiences that will help to feel and understand the life of the person they are supposed to embody, for example by practicing the hobby of the character.
The “gaps” between my observation and the resources found in my “personal library” will be filled by the incredible power of imagination, using and adapting elements from one’s own experience.
Let’s take a concrete example: I may not find any interest in painting, but if I want to under someone who is passionate about it, I will try to compare it to what is important to me whether it is music, cinema, dogs,… I can use some impressions I had in certain circumstances and develop them, combine them, in order to try to understand what someone else may be experiencing.
There are plenty of excellent ways to practice imagination for empathy. Through books, both autobiographies or novels, we can get an idea of what other feel and live. Movies or theatre can also make us live situations that we would never face in real life. I personally also recommend exercising imagination for empathy on objects, animals or plants. It may sound like a strange idea, but it pushes the limits, and enlarge the range of our awareness and imagination.
3- Conscious reflexivity
As mentioned above, the main difference between a sympathetic and an empathetic experience is that empathy implies reflexivity, and a high degree of self-conscience.
One must keep in mind that the objective of empathy is not to live through other people and bear their pains or joys. The objective is to grow understanding. To do so, we should take the necessary distance from the sympathetic experiences we go through, to see how they impact our self awareness.
Wikipedia offers a rather good definition of reflexivity: “Reflexivity is an act of self-reference where examination or action 'bends back on', refers to, and affects the entity instigating the action or examination. In brief, reflexivity refers to circular relationships between cause and effect. A reflexive relationship is bidirectional; with both the cause and the effect affecting one another in a situation that renders both functions causes and effects.” ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reflexivity_(social_theory) )
We can add to this that reflexivity is not something natural, but it is a highly valuable skill for whomever wants to develop self-awareness, and self-control. It is highly efficient to manage emotions and sensations healthily. Reflexivity is only possible if we have elements of reference.
To have a good self perception, it is important to develop an “I am / I exist” conscience, and explore all dimensions of perceptions and feelings. In that way, empathy is a highly ontological approach of life: “understanding of beings as a being”. Developing this “being” perception and what is attached to it will for example help us refocus in the midst of strongly emotional empathetic experiences.
Indeed identifying myself only to thoughts, emotions, or sensations could put me in danger when experiences are intense. Therefore to improve the quality and safety of empathetic experiences, it is highly recommended to grow, in parallel, self awareness and consciousness.
The empathetic recipe
